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surrender is bliss

June 15, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized Leave a Comment

My how life can change.

I enjoyed a quiet evening outside on the deck last night listening to the sounds of summer. As I sat there, I was reflecting on where my heart and life were at just one year ago. My whole world was falling apart and I was clinging to the Lord with every ounce that I had left.

It was a desperate cling. Have you been there?

It’s a place where you have to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really believe what you say you believe. A place where the only option is to let go and where holding on would just prolong the hurt.

It’s called surrender.

The journey has been liberating and painful at the same time. What a mystery.

All I know is that the process has left me incredibly grateful.

No,I don’t have all the answers to my questions, but I do feel blessed when I look back on the beautiful life that God has given me. I became a better woman in my thirties and loved the life God gave me while I grew.

This song reflects my heart tonight.

Why not?

June 2, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized 5 Comments

At the beginning of this year, I worked on my 2017 dream board and I hung it on my wall so I could look at it throughout the year.

In the center of the board, I pasted the word FLOURISH and then I added more words to it from there.

I looked up every verse I could find to help me understand better what flourishing should look like, because I am recreating a new dream for my life and I’m not even sure what I want it to look like.

Jeremiah 17:7-8 “Blessed is the woman who trusts in the Lord and whose confidence is in Him. She will be like a tree transplanted beside the water, which sends out her roots by a stream, she will not be afraid when heat comes; for her leaves remain flourishing, and she will not be anxious in the year of drought and will not cease to bear fruit.”

One thing that I have discovered is that I’m not just dreaming for this year, I’ve begun to dream for a whole new future. And with that thought, I want to stretch myself in every area of my life to reach for things I’ve never allowed myself to dream for before. I want to destroy every limitation that could possibly try to stand against my God-given abilities and trust my Daddy to meet me in that place.

So, I’ve applied for Seminary, because why not?

And…

I’m taking a backpacking trip to Yellowstone National Park with my favorite twins, because I’ve never done that before.

And…

I’m going to take sailing lessons this summer, because I feel like God wants me to.

And…

I’m launching a podcast and project this summer, because I want to reach 1 Million people for Jesus before I’m 50.

And…

Here’s my first canvas painting, because I decided I needed to try painting 🙂

This isn’t how life was supposed to go

May 24, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized 15 Comments

Everything inside me knows and feels that this isn’t how life was supposed to go, my family is broken. I wasn’t supposed to be raising my boys by myself and tonight the thought of it has gotten the best of me. I had a moment where I let myself feel the cost to the road paved by divorce. I wanted to scream, but instead I cried… again.

I’m not supposed to be living with my parents as a 40 years old mom. I wasn’t created to be sitting solo at awards ceremonies and school functions. This sure isn’t where I thought life would bring me, and honestly I’m frustrated with it today.

I don’t see myself as a victim, I see myself as a fighter. I’m surviving and I do see light from down inside this hole. Yes I will make it, and yes I still believe that my best days are ahead of me. I know that God has a plan and that all things work together for good. Those truths do bring comfort to my aching heart.

While I was laying in bed and chatting away with all of my questions and complaints, God gently reminded me that He’s been waiting for me to be honest with Him with my mess. I love that He can handle my anger. He’s completely fine with me being real and that feels… good.

I know one day I will be looking back and I will see how far I’ve come, but I don’t ever want to forget where I am right now.

Join Me

April 23, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized Leave a Comment

I have 75 days guys… 75

I will be turning the big 4 0 on July 7th and I want to do it with a bang. I’ve had a lot of time to think about my future over the last few months and one thing that I know for sure is that I want to make it count.

Something I’ve been saying is that I want to touch 1 million lives for Jesus by the time I’m 50. I shared it again with some friends last night and they challenged me to come up with a plan to make it happen.

So here’s what I got so far.

There’s 3,650 days from my 40th birthday until my 50th birthday. That means I’ll need to reach 274 people a day.

So during the next few weeks, I’m recruiting 274 people to help me.

Stay tuned.

Mountain Love

April 5, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized 6 Comments

At the end of last year I started praying a simple prayer…

“God, would you give me a radical love that looks like YOU, costs me greatly, and moves me to action”.

I recognize that I have a brand new canvas for my future and I want to paint something beautiful, creative, and meaningful with it. I get that that probably means more surrendering and I’m okay with that. I don’t need my life to look like every other 40 year old woman in the US.

I feel like God has shown me in the last few months that this “Radical Love” needs to start from within. Like I need to learn how to really love me well first. (It’s Biblical, I promise).

So on faith and a whim, I booked 2 trips for myself a few weeks ago and I let the adventure begin. First I traveled to California for a quick 3 day stay and then I stopped home to grab my babies and we traveled to the mountains… (the older boys took off to Florida with friends for spring break).

God met us in the mountains. When I booked the trip, I wasn’t sure how I found the cabin that I did, but I knew God was behind it.

Once we arrived and began our climb, we quickly realized that there had been a horrible fire that destroyed many of the homes along the hike up the mountain. I remembered hearing about fires in Gatlinburg, but didn’t think too much about them until I was witnessing their affects with my own eyes.

On my first morning walk outside around the cabin, I discovered so much beauty surrounded by ash. I found new life springing up around the debris everywhere I looked and it reminded me of the verse that I am standing on for this year.

Jeremiah 17: 7-8

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the Lord, whose hope is the Lord. She shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. She shall not fear when heat comes, her leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought she is not anxious, because she never ceases to flourish.

Look at this beautiful tree bearing new leaves.

Scourged by fire.

Strong as ever.

Still producing fruit.

I love that.

If you look up any article or video on the Chalet Village fires, you’ll discover that there was no warning. And if you were to drive through the winding roads of Wiley Oakley Drive, you’d see a mixture of ash and new life on both sides.

On my final morning there, I found some memorial stones and I spent some time with the Maker of all things. I love that there is opportunity for new life in every season ahead.

Life after divorce.

March 4, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized 1 Comment

It’s Friday night and I’m chillin with mom and dad again. That’s how I roll these days. I have never been much of a movie kind of a girl, but life is short, and who knows when I’ll have another season like the one I’m in now.

For quite some time, I was purposefully filling up my schedule to prevent what I knew I needed to face.

Not any longer though.

I have little by little found my way back from “the grave” and my new normal is shaping into something beautiful. I sat and watched my 600 pound life last night on TLC. It was liberating to know that I am healing enough to rest my mind and enjoy simple things like I used to because, truly there is life after divorce.

The movie we picked to watch tonight (Hoovey) inspired me to write. It’s a true story about a young man who was forced to face his battle with a tumor that could have forever crippled his life. I couldn’t help but connect with his story, because I too have felt incredibly crippled with my set of circumstances and it has required all kinds of fighting attention to overcome what has had a grip on me.

I tell you what. I have never been more committed to recovery than I am now. I feel like I was given a deadly diagnosis and somehow along the way, I realized that I was going to make it. The disease didn’t destroy me. It’s only made me stronger and more determined to shine a light on this God-awful epidemic.

one more thing before i go to bed

January 15, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized Leave a Comment

Here it is 9:30 at night and I have this feeling all over again… Throughout each day it hits me at some point, it has for years now. I begin to replay my day in my head and then I begin to ask this question… Have I done all that I was created for today? I don’t know why I’m so compelled with this thought, but I can never shake it, which usually drives me to do just one more thing before I end my day, hence this post. I mean, sure, I could veg out and turn on the tv and lull myself to sleep, but the thought would remain.

I wasn’t always like this. Everything changed for me one summer day in 2011 during a 15 minute car ride. I was having an external conversation with God about my life. I wanted to know what in the world my purpose was. I don’t think it was a mid-life crisis, but rather a season of ...there has to be more to life than this.

I was living the dream. I had all of the things that should bring me satisfaction and fulfillment – a husband, wonderful children, a meaningful job, a beautiful home, a growing church family, and a Godly family nearby, but there was still a whole in my heart that needed more of something, but I didn’t know what.

During the ride, I remember getting all excited and feeling like I had the strength to change the world. I was confident that God wanted to use me for something BIG, but I still wasn’t exactly sure for what. Don’t get me wrong, all of the roles I was already living were wonderful, but I felt infused to dream for even more.

We only get one life.

ONE.

One chance to accomplish the purpose we were put here for. When all is said and done, I want to know that I did what I was put here to do. Even if it was chasing after BIG DREAMS that never become… because I can live with that.

Just because

January 3, 2017 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized 1 Comment

One of the reasons I love to blog is so that I can share a piece of my heart with the world I live in and a big part of my world is attached to 5 human beings (my sons). Therefore I tend to write about them a lot. 🙂

If you have read any of my blog posts in the last few months, you would know that I have twin boys who will be graduating this year. This is my second time around with having a senior and it feels exactly the same… bittersweet. The time is going by way too fast and I have found myself becoming sentimental about simple things. For Example: One of my boys laid his head on my lap while we were watching a show a few weeks ago and I had tears streaming down my face. Every time either one of them ask me to ride along with them or to hang out, my answer is undoubtedly YES. My moments are slipping away and I want to love on them just a little bit more before they spread their wings.

I can still remember the last time I rocked David to sleep in church. He was 9 years old and I knew that night was the last time that he would willingly fall asleep in my arms and I was right.

But I am also entering a time in my life where I am beginning to see some fruit after years of investing and I have to say, this feels pretty good. I remember before becoming a parent of teenagers hearing other mothers talk about how hard the teen years were going to be. I remember the fear I faced while wondering if I would ever make it raising teenage sons. I decided way back then that I was going to choose to embrace the teen years and believe that they were going to be just as wonderful as life already had been for me as a mom, and let me tell you something… They’ve been better than I could have imagined.

Not because my boys were perfect, but because we all chose to love when the temptation to stay mad was an option.

Hey mama’s – you can choose to love your kids well even when they let you down. In fact you are called to.

If I had chose fear instead of faith knowing the things that were stacked against my boys leading into their teen years, I would be writing a different blog today. I praise God that’s not our story.

This week the boys were given the opportunity to go with a group of students to the Georgia Dome for the Passion 2017 Conference and they sent me this picture late last night. <3 Here they are gone for the week and I can’t get my mind off of them. I know that the Lord is going to be speaking to them and I just can’t wait to hear about their experience because I want to be part of their world for as long as I can.

I hope this blog post makes you want to love on your kids even more than you already do.

Much Love,

Listen to mama

December 16, 2016 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized 2 Comments

“Mama said there’d be days like this, there’d be days like this, my mama said”…

I wish those words were true but they are actually far from the truth.

I don’t think anything could have prepared me as a little girl for the things that my adult self has had to fumble my way through. All the pep talks in the world wouldn’t have been enough to help me ready for the trials that have come my way.

It makes me wonder if I’m properly setting my sons up for what life has the potential to become. We will soon be closing out another chapter in our family . Our twin boys will be graduating in 5 months, be still my heart.

As a mother, I am whispering in their ears to dream big and to set out for what their heart is most passionate for. I’m enjoying this time as I begin to step back just a bit to let them carefully lay out their options and let me tell you, there’s a lot of them. The next decade of their lives will change in so many ways and so will they. That’s how life is supposed to go.

And so I find myself wondering if I’ve given them the proper tools to set out for the new adventures that will come when they graduate. Are they fully equipped to face their first big disappointment?

The answer is yes. I have. I know this because I’ve been watching their lives closely over the last few years and I’ve seen how they choose to handle obstacles. They have a strength that I never had at their age and they have had major setbacks in life far earlier than I ever did. They make me so proud.

So I’ve decided that it’s okay to encourage them to take risks and to dream for things that have yet to be done. And yes I know that that means they will find hurt and more heartbreak on the way, but that’s okay because I know it will only propel them further into what they were created for in the first place.

Chase after your dreams my sweet boys.

EVERY

SINGLE

ONE

OF

THEM

<3 MOM

Thanksgiving Blessings

November 25, 2016 by jenwagenmaker Filed Under: Uncategorized 3 Comments

fullsizerender

It was a rainy and cloudy Thanksgiving day. The birds aren’t chirping any longer and the snow isn’t falling yet either. We are caught in the in-between of two seasons which is a mirror to my life. Most of the family has found themselves sleeping after engorging on the fabulous spread we feasted over, thanks to our champion mother and team.

This is typically the time of year when I begin to reflect on my year as well as jot down things I believe the Lord is showing me for the new year. We have a glass jar filled with gratitude notes that we write up throughout the year and I like to pull them out to remember the big and simple blessings we were given.

Just like any other year, we experienced some great joys and endured some hard knocks, but I’ve learned over the years to pay more attention to the blessings than the hurts.

Anyone can be happy when life is easy and good, but the true test is if you can find peace and joy when things have been rough.

Having a heart of gratitude comes from focusing on the good things in life.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – Philippians 4:8

I woke up this morning to a warm and cozy home. Within a few minutes, mom and I were enjoying a cup of coffee together as we shared some thoughts on the life of Job. We then went for a nice walk together as we chatted about our Thanksgiving meal plans. To top things off, I was able to enjoy spending time with each of my sons and much of my family.

Life is good. I am blessed.

Screen Shot 2016-06-12 at 4.13.04 PM

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My how life can change.

I enjoyed a quiet evening outside on the deck last night listening to the sounds of summer. As I sat there, I was reflecting on where my heart and life were at just one year ago. My whole world was falling apart and I was clinging to the Lord with every ounce that I had left.

It was a desperate cling. Have you been there?

It’s a place where you have to take a good look in the mirror and ask yourself if you really believe what you say you believe. A place where the only option is to let go and where holding on would just prolong the hurt.

It’s called surrender.

The journey has been liberating and painful at the same time. What a mystery.

All I know is that the process has left me incredibly grateful.

No,I don’t have all the answers to my questions, but I do feel blessed when I look back on the beautiful life that God has given me. I became a better woman in my thirties and loved the life God gave me while I grew.

This song reflects my heart tonight.

I have 75 days guys… 75

I will be turning the big 4 0 on July 7th and I want to do it with a bang. I’ve had a lot of time to think about my future over the last few months and one thing that I know for sure is that I want to make it count.

Something I’ve been saying is that I want to touch 1 million lives for Jesus by the time I’m 50. I shared it again with some friends last night and they challenged me to come up with a plan to make it happen.

So here’s what I got so far.

There’s 3,650 days from my 40th birthday until my 50th birthday. That means I’ll need to reach 274 people a day.

So during the next few weeks, I’m recruiting 274 people to help me.

Stay tuned.

At the end of last year I started praying a simple prayer…

“God, would you give me a radical love that looks like YOU, costs me greatly, and moves me to action”.

I recognize that I have a brand new canvas for my future and I want to paint something beautiful, creative, and meaningful with it. I get that that probably means more surrendering and I’m okay with that. I don’t need my life to look like every other 40 year old woman in the US.

I feel like God has shown me in the last few months that this “Radical Love” needs to start from within. Like I need to learn how to really love me well first. (It’s Biblical, I promise).

So on faith and a whim, I booked 2 trips for myself a few weeks ago and I let the adventure begin. First I traveled to California for a quick 3 day stay and then I stopped home to grab my babies and we traveled to the mountains… (the older boys took off to Florida with friends for spring break).

God met us in the mountains. When I booked the trip, I wasn’t sure how I found the cabin that I did, but I knew God was behind it.

Once we arrived and began our climb, we quickly realized that there had been a horrible fire that destroyed many of the homes along the hike up the mountain. I remembered hearing about fires in Gatlinburg, but didn’t think too much about them until I was witnessing their affects with my own eyes.

On my first morning walk outside around the cabin, I discovered so much beauty surrounded by ash. I found new life springing up around the debris everywhere I looked and it reminded me of the verse that I am standing on for this year.

Jeremiah 17: 7-8

Blessed is the woman who trusts in the Lord, whose hope is the Lord. She shall be like a tree planted by water, sending out its roots by the stream. She shall not fear when heat comes, her leaves shall stay green; in the year of drought she is not anxious, because she never ceases to flourish.

Look at this beautiful tree bearing new leaves.

Scourged by fire.

Strong as ever.

Still producing fruit.

I love that.

If you look up any article or video on the Chalet Village fires, you’ll discover that there was no warning. And if you were to drive through the winding roads of Wiley Oakley Drive, you’d see a mixture of ash and new life on both sides.

On my final morning there, I found some memorial stones and I spent some time with the Maker of all things. I love that there is opportunity for new life in every season ahead.

It’s Friday night and I’m chillin with mom and dad again. That’s how I roll these days. I have never been much of a movie kind of a girl, but life is short, and who knows when I’ll have another season like the one I’m in now.

For quite some time, I was purposefully filling up my schedule to prevent what I knew I needed to face.

Not any longer though.

We only get one life.

ONE.

One chance to accomplish the purpose we were put here for. When all is said and done, I want to know that I did what I was put here to do. Even if it was chasing after BIG DREAMS that never become… because I can live with that.

One of the reasons I love to blog is so that I can share a piece of my heart with the world I live in and a big part of my world is attached to 5 human beings (my sons). Therefore I tend to write about them a lot. 🙂

I can still remember the last time I rocked David to sleep in church. He was 9 years old and I knew that night was the last time that he would willingly fall asleep in my arms and I was right.

Not because my boys were perfect, but because we all chose to love when the temptation to stay mad was an option.

Hey mama’s – you can choose to love your kids well even when they let you down. In fact you are called to.

If I had chose fear instead of faith knowing the things that were stacked against my boys leading into their teen years, I would be writing a different blog today. I praise God that’s not our story.

I hope this blog post makes you want to love on your kids even more than you already do.

Much Love,

“Mama said there’d be days like this, there’d be days like this, my mama said”…

I wish those words were true but they are actually far from the truth.

I don’t think anything could have prepared me as a little girl for the things that my adult self has had to fumble my way through. All the pep talks in the world wouldn’t have been enough to help me ready for the trials that have come my way.

It makes me wonder if I’m properly setting my sons up for what life has the potential to become. We will soon be closing out another chapter in our family . Our twin boys will be graduating in 5 months, be still my heart.

And so I find myself wondering if I’ve given them the proper tools to set out for the new adventures that will come when they graduate. Are they fully equipped to face their first big disappointment?

Chase after your dreams my sweet boys.

EVERY

SINGLE

ONE

OF

THEM

<3 MOM

Just like any other year, we experienced some great joys and endured some hard knocks, but I’ve learned over the years to pay more attention to the blessings than the hurts.

Anyone can be happy when life is easy and good, but the true test is if you can find peace and joy when things have been rough.

Having a heart of gratitude comes from focusing on the good things in life.

“And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – Philippians 4:8

Life is good. I am blessed.

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